Bittersweet Life...

Friday, March 11, 2005

i have been chattin with rahman online lately... and some tots do cross my mind. well, we talked about our future, and dreams... and stuff tt we really want to do in the future. we talked abt our parents. parents in general. how most parents are old fashioned and own a boring mindset. we agreed tt our parents controlled us too much, and trust us much less. which in my opnion, is very one sided.

i wish my life has a stop button... u noe, juz like on ur internet browsers. it's bcoz life has been rollin past by me too fast, too fast tt i cant grasp wateva im goin thru totally. i sometimes feel so lost... but i cant stay and ponder. i juz have to move on, and then, as a result, ill become ignorant. ignorant of the ppl ard me... ignorant of the latest happenings. ignorant about wat im feeling. and very often i find it hard to make up decisions. firstly coz im very fickle minded. secondly, im scared to take a big step in life. into the future. i guess my life has been too sheltered. but i have never asked for tt. but im not sayin tt im not grateful for tt either.

i cant even think properly lately. it's like i dun think broadly anymore, like wat i used to do. everytime someone asked me sth, my ans to them will be 'i dunno'. and it's irritating. irritating to me... coz i've become such a lazy person. who doesnt want to get off her ass and make her own food, or ans the phone, or think.

and im choosin a path in life which is very safe. coz im scared to take the huge leap foward. im scared of the working world. all i wanna do is study and study. but i noe i cant do tt all my life. i gotta earn money and noe how to live life as an adult. im 17. it's pretty young to some ppl. and it's pretty mature to some others. i think being 17 is very confusing. and i noe there's more to come in life. but, now, at this moment, i feel so irritated everytime... i dunno why. coz, i guess, reality has slapped me in face. hard. i wonder, if im able to cope as an adult. u noe... with pressure frm all directions.

im such a worried freak. i hate it when my parents cant be patient and listen to me. but i like being outside my home. although i do feel insecure about the outside world, i feel much more open and liberated when i step beyond my parents' sight or reach. i have more confidence outside. they dun put me down... they can joke ard with me. god... at home, my life is so dull... i dunno y it's hard for me even to watch a movie. it's so frustrating. well, yeah.. they care for me. but it's more like they dun trust me. im not those girls they see and hear about.

i dun think anyone really noes or understand the way i feel. i envy girls who have their mom as someone who they can talk to about almost everything. some girls are close to their dads, and often they are able to joke ard with them. im neither one of those grps. i dun talk to my mom much, unless it's about school and some other serious stuff. i think i can count the amount of words tt i talked to my dad... and my bro, he's soo not to be trusted. if not, i can talk to him, bout lots of stuff. but he's juz so pampered and his mind has been poisoned too much by my parents.

i cant wait to grow up... i noe i have to be brave and have more confidence towards the workin world and the future. with me, anxious to get over the dreadful teenage life, i noe where i wanna head to in the future. i wanna earn my own money. and i noe it'll feel good to earn the first pay check. for now, ill juz have to be patient and let my parents think tt i am listening to them. but im not.

life can be cruel... but it's all a journey. a journey tt sometimes worth travellin upon, and sometimes, it's juz a journey tt teaches us something. also, sometimes, it's juz a watse of time travellin down the road, gaining nothing but hurt and pain and tears. over and over again.

Smashed into pieces at 3/11/2005 01:43:00 PM